3/6/24: Breathe in Through Your Nose
We are now in the middle of our first busy week of the long seasonal schedule. My mind is everywhere–Is the car packed? Are all the invoices sent? Which flier should I work on next? Oil Change. Chet’s background check. Learning songs for guitar sing-along THIS Friday. Reacquaint myself with GIMP for the digital comic book workshop THIS Saturday. On top of all of this there is this submerged current within me still looking for a creative outlet whether it is a comic, a mural, more music, or the time curse of video editing. I know videos are the next stop, but I am hesitant about the investment and obsession it will require. I know I am capable of it, and do see how I have acquired the variety of tools to really allow something cool to happen, but I am still pulled by the attraction of all the others. My mind is a maelstrom.
When I breathe in through my nose and let my awareness spread and settle, it truly is amazing. For so long I yearned to be caught up in the creative tornado of new ideas, busy schedule, and in-real-time reaction to my artistic presence, and now, here with all of it’s anxieties and pressures, and nuanced unforeseen complexities, I still am grateful and am excited to see what I can do with it. All those years listening to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’, finally I feel as if it is my own turn to reveal to others, as well as myself, what I can do if given the chance. That being said, as one descends from the elevation of gratitude, I am once again persuaded by my perception and obligations to fall into my role. Gratitude does not free oneself of anxiety or worry, but softens them and molds them into value. One must feel existence to interact with it properly. One must know and embody their role not to be buried in it, but to give it presence while it plays its part upon the stage.
3/7/24: Gratitude for a Phantom
Somehow, I managed to accomplish everything yesterday. Time is like that. It amazes me how much one person can get done in one day, if they are so inclined. I well humbly admit: I could’ve done more. Now knowing and experiencing what is possible to accomplish between sunrise and sunset, a competitive spirit awakens within my viscera. A competition I have harvested energy from since childhood–the competition between selves. I visually compare this competition to a metaphor from Mario Kart. There is a lap-racing mode where you can race a track without other racers to see just how fast you can complete a lap. While doing this, the game projects a low-opacity phantom of whatever character holds the standing record. This projection stays to the pace of the lap to show you where you are in juxtaposition to the pace of the record. I do this nearly daily. I chart how many hours I do this or do that. I constantly keep my eye on the pace-keeping phantom. Whether generated out of my own neurotic tendencies of value classification, or even some subconscious yearning for righteousness in my behavior–whatever the cause or case, when I do get the chance to pass that ghost of past achievement, it is always an intoxicating rush of euphoria that grounds me into a gratitude of being alive at all. To me, however, this appreciation occurs, whether through meditation, prayer, the eyes of a loved one, or surpassing that soft silhouette of Luigi and seeing nothing but open road and plenty of pedal to push–no matter how it happens or why, it is a blessing. A miracle. The full self awareness of gratitude in existence may just be the meaning of life after all.
